All those everyday lists of things I prioritised and stressed about suddenly ceased to be important. When I got that call, I was immediately transported to her bedside even though it took half a day to physically get there.

You see, I’m a therapist. I talk all day, everyday, helping my amazing clients overcome their life curve balls. Here’s what I learned about this hellish one of mine because this shit is not talked about in books or any therapy training.

A world without my Mum suddenly felt a lot less safe to be in. I quickly realised that no one will ever know or love me like my Mum. I was granted the blessing of 36 yrs with her. We had worked through our differences over the years and were really close.  She had time for everyone and loved a chat.

I spent the first 6 months in shock. Despite crying and being upset everyday, it took several months before the reality that she was really gone set in.

The negative dark thinking modes, I kind of expected but the rage, oh my god. I actually thought I was going mad. I compassionately took myself by the hand to my meditation cushion, especially on the days I resisted it most. Silent sitting meditation meant I could allow space for whatever needed to arise. Breathing into the area with radical loving acceptance and giving it permission with visualisation to be released, saved me. My meditation practice saved me in my moments of despair.

Grief is so physical. It sat in my lower back and hips for 2 years. I could feel that something shift after each time I would really invest in quiet sitting mediation time. Not knowing what would face me each time was the scary bit. I often avoided it or numbed out by over sleeping.

It’s a seriously lonely journey. I don’t ever become more comfortable with it. I just allow my heart to recover, to stay open, to remember we are guaranteed our death from the moment we are born, and I remember our common shared humanity. I cling to nothing. I pray to all my spiritual leaders, gurus, the whole fucking lot. I ask them all to have my back when I need it and I know they have.

When my clients describe the dark pit of depression or the weight of sadness and loss on their heart, I now have better insight into this. You see, it’s funny. Even in her passing Mum is still teaching me important life lessons. To do my bit to ease suffering in the world by sharing my gifts and when my time is up to bow out with a sense of integrity and delight.