We all have behavior- it’s not just children. If we want to address our own child’s behavior appropriately, it is important to consider how to address our own. This goes for parents, educators, and care givers alike. Everyone of us have behavior, yet it seems when it comes to facing unwanted behavior from our children, we are quick to punish or dismiss rather than engage in our own self-reflection. After all, didn’t they learn how to behave from us?

Just like everyone else, children deal with adversity in their own ways. Some act out by yelling, crying, and not listening. Others internalize their emotions so they don’t get in trouble. When adolescents act out, it is easy to believe that it’s “just hormones” and dismiss or use punitive approaches to address it. I believe children that externalize their behavior, may get in trouble less often if adults took time to build greater connection with them. I also believe that children who internalize their behavior, are the ones who need more help and connection than adults realize.

Children who internalize emotions stuff feelings because they may believe that their own needs don’t matter to those around them. Additionally, these children have learned to people please so they don’t have to face more questions, adult anger, or any other source of discomfort or pain that may result from them using their voice. In essence, they have learned to please others as a way to survive. And each time they do it, if they do not become aware of it, they lose their identity. They can lose who they are. In my experience, this puts these often “well-behaved” children at risk to participate in addictive behaviors and chase love in all the wrong places. The same goes for kids whose externalization of emotions remain unaddressed or unresolved. Children have mental health problems whether they are invisible to us or glaring at us from across the dinner table.

During this time of COVID, mental health issues are more exposed than they ever were before because the “normal” people seemed to know got flipped on its head. These problems became hard to ignore. As much as many people are grappling to return whatever they believed normal was, we are long overdue for a new normal: one that is more relationship centric. Especially, when it comes to the relationship we have with children.

I think the answer to many mental health issues, whether it is present in adults or children, boils down to the relationship we have with ourselves and therefore, with others. The more we can address our own mental health, in whatever way(s) that may be, the more we can show up for colleagues, family members, friends, and children in ways that result in greater connection and more intentional care. For me, this is about taking time for self-care every day. The time to do it is now. Our children are waiting.